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My boyfriend and I�have been fighting a lot lately...it is so frustrating...sometimes I�just donapos;t know.� Fuck.� It just pisses me off so much.� I want so bad to just quit everything and do something I like.� I hate college, I donapos;t like work very much (surprise there) and I am just sick of life.� I want to move out to the country and start up a ranch.� That would be my dream.� I wish I could own a ranch with many horses on it.� It would make me so happy.� But then again, I could switch my major to something with horses, but I donapos;t know if I would get a job then...thatapos;s not good.� If I stick to CSCI then I will be okay though.� I should be able to get a job.� And I like it well enough I sapos;pose.� I just wish it would click with me like it seems to with everybody else...Thatapos;s really frustrating to see other people get it and not me.� I wish I could focus better.� The last few years my mind has become so jumbled and disorganized, itapos;s like a cacophany of thoughts running into each other over and over again.� Iapos;m not happy anymore.� Little things used to make me happy, but now my life just seems to be crap that I have to do.� I donapos;t have time for things I�like to do anymore, or so it seems....� My boyfriend and I�fighting upsets me a lot.� He can be such a douchebag sometimes...I donapos;t know anymore....I really wish I could be happy.� Fuck.� Itapos;s so frustrating.... But this journal is nice to vent things to...maybe thatapos;s all it will be for....my thoughts to release stress...� Another thing I�am stressed about is that I�have been gaining weight and I canapos;t find time to go to the gym anymore so I can get rid of it.� I look disgusting...I mean, I before I got fat I wasnapos;t anything nice to look at, but now I am just nasty looking...I need to lose weight...I wish I could control my eating more...whenever I get bored, I just eat and eat and eat...thatapos;s where the extra weight is coming from...if I could cut that out of my schedule and just eat healthier meals I would be OK...Well, I need to get back to more homework.... Until the next time, Journal.

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fatalsurf

im happy. Im high. No iapos;m not.
ok fine my beer tolerance is fucking low.
but iapos;m happy. Its a bittersweet kinda feeling.
like when a cancer patient removes the huge black tumour that has been fucking him for so long.
yet heapos;s kind of sad because its part of his body afterall.
patient doesnapos;t want tumour to be there. But he wants his body part back and still loves it.
its like, chemo doesnapos;t work, so doesnapos;t radio therapy.
So the part has to go.

annnnn just sent you a nudge.

*

annnnn says:

have u died and gone to heaven

*

annnnn just sent you a nudge.

ps. If i died right now, i think i have a one way ticket to hell. I love god, iapos;ll be�grateful for what he has done for me, iapos;apos;ll be�grateful heapos;s given me good christain friends(few), and iapos;apos;ll grateful to him for forgiving me of all my sins even before i commited them.....if he exists.����������������������������������������������������������������������





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"raising taxes to apos;spread the wealthapos; is not a form of patriotism, but a burden -- to Joe the plumber and other Americans trying to make ends meet"

Now this was in a newspaper editorial (apparently) but I have to suggest that if youapos;re making over $250,000 a year and having difficulty "trying to make ends meet" maybe you need to invest a little time in figuring out where youapos;re spending all that money.

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Maggie pushed herself hard today. Yesterday was a big day -- parent-teacher conference, playdate with two little girlfriends, and a trip out to the pumpkin patch where we picked five pumpkins and she rode her first (miniature) train *and* her first boat. All with only a 30-minute nap in the car.

Today she started the day with a cartoon and a movie and hot chocolate (good parenting, eh? ask me how I do it) After the movie she helped me make grilled ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, although she ate only two slices of cheese (believe it or not this is a pretty good lunch for her, two slices of cheese). Then it was outdoor adventuring for 90 minutes, snack, putting away laundry, and more outdoor adventuring. Then we read a book and I started to get dinner ready. She had requested penne with tomato sauce, and she was excited about reading her new book at bedtime with Daddy, but it was not to be. The Meltdown Express arrived at 5:25, and after a while of fit-throwing, she passed out on the sofa at 5:50. I managed to move her upstairs at 6:45, this being approximately the third time in her life she has stayed asleep when moved. Sheapos;s now sleeping in her bed (with freshly washed bedding, of course) with her clothes on. How long before she wakes up? How long will she be awake, and how many times will she get up tonight? Only the shadow knows.... Iapos;m tempted to start my own sleeping now.
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���� Thatapos;s easy. An ex-Mother-In-Law.� Iapos;ve been hearing reports lately about my exapos;s mommy making a series of rather snotty comments about me to a variety of people. Itapos;s looking more and more like sheapos;s a typical religious fanatic......more hypocritical than the majority of the population.� I laugh at�the ideal of religious hypocrits.......love everybody, unless itapos;s not to your advantage.� Then make stupid , disparaging comments whenever you feel like it.� But itapos;s okay, because God loves everybody.� Oh well,,,,Iapos;d be bitter too if I had the crop of offspring she had.� Iapos;ve said lots about my ex, but I have to admit, sheapos;s not bad compared to her sister in Ottawa.� Except for a raging case of� middle child syndrome, her sister in Toronto is by far the sanest of the load of them.
���� I remember one time my ex said to me "I wanted you to beg me to come back".� Ever since then, Iapos;ve repeated that to a number of people,� No one has been able to offer a reason why anyone would do that.
���� Not much else is going on.� Iapos;m working nights still.� Iapos;ve been in the same spot for three nights now and have had three pretty good partners.� I enjoy the nights, but Cherylapos;s not fond of them.� She says she doesnapos;t sleep very well when Iapos;m on them because she misses me.� Thatapos;s so sweet.� Itapos;s nice to know Iapos;m missed and appreciated.� The shift runs from 7pm until 7am.� I miss her too, actually, but the pay is good.� Every shift is an extra $1.50 an hour.� Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights are an extra $3 an hour over and above the first $1.50.� Just a few more nights to go, and itapos;s off to New York City for a weekend away.� Iapos;m looking forward to it.� Time away with Cheryl is always great.��
���� Well, Iapos;m going to be brief tonight because thereapos;s just not that much on my mind.� Anybody thinking "and thatapos;s different from when?" can stifle themselves. I miss Archie Bunker.
���� Cheers for now.

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�


I think Im getting really�tired of getting sick everynow and then.
If not fever, flu or whatever ridiculous stuffs. Blearghhhh.
I�have been sneezing since the past hour. So annoying. =.=
Soon, my eyes will turn all watery. Sheshhh. Lagi annoying. =.= =.=


Theres lots of things I need to clear about. �Its making my brain haywire.
I�need to prepare myself for Thailand trip �get stuffs for the trip.
Forget what had happen recently. I mean really forget it.�
Get things by the end of the month.
Ease my mind.





Having moodswing lately. Not being myself.
Sorry ):


�

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This one is about wrists.

well. Exceptionally good day.
the first part.
Had an emergency drill.
"Bomb threat"
Ahh, well.

What iapos;m really writing about..
is what happened near the end.

Thought it was fun..at first.
Then you hit me on the head.
I forgave.
Then you held her wrist, twisting.
I got angry.
Then you held both my wrists, your nails digging through my skin.
I cried.
Then you reasoned..saying it was "fun."
You have no right.
Nothing at all.
Thereapos;s a little voice..getting bigger and bigger..
Telling YOU, you were wrong.
Were you born that way.
Ahh well, iapos;d like to see you correct that. (:
I hope you donapos;t get near me..at all.
Just STAY AWAY.

you know who YOU are.

had an asthma attack.
really bad one. One of my worsts one.

I kept my promise, J.

I still keep having flashbacks..i wonapos;t sleep well tonight.
"itapos;s fun"
Those two words. Itapos;s menacing.

I have nothing to write.
bye.
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Today I had my first elementary school third-year class, which I was a little apprehensive about. Second-years are seven, which is when every kid is awesome, and fourth-years are nine, which is when kids learn to be difficult in ways that arenapos;t endearing.

Thankfully most of the kids fell on the awesome end of the spectrum and one slipped me a note during lunchtime and asked me to read it later. I did and it says, "To John-sensei: Thanks for today Please teach us English again. My name is Obvious Pseudonym - please remember"

There are a lot of times when I wonder what the hell I think Iapos;m doing here anyway, but if I had to make the choice today I would re-up in a heartbeat. Thank you, Obvious Pseudonym. I wonapos;t forget.

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Damn. Was backing out of the slip to do the demasting of impertinent. Obviously one of the messenger lines was being dragged, and I�wrapped the whole Med mooring pair of docklines. The engine stopped dead.

Now I�have a trickle of water coming out of the really-not-moveable propshaft stuffing box.�
The flexible shaft coupling didnt break its shear-pins, so either it failed to do its job, or things stopped gently enough that I�hope the engine and transmission arent crunched. In any case, the tranny shift is jammed - which dosent bode well.

Getting the diving gear to do a splash-n-slice tomorrow to free the beastie. Hoping all I�need to do to slow the gentle trickle from the stuffing box is to tighten the packing gland a touch.

I�still need to demast - and get myself properly moored at the stern. Right now I�am rafted a bit with the upwind boat, to take the load off of the prop which is acting as a mooring cleat at the moment.

Damn these gusty winds�

In happier news, I�have a nice diving knife and 5.5mil full wetsuit I�will get to try tomorrow. Too bad its on a dive that has a depth of about 3 feet, and a bottom time of hopefully less than an hour.

I am Sooooo pissed at myself right now. Another three feet and I�could have hit the reverse - I�was just jumping the gun because the gusting wind was about to push us into another boat and I�wanted to jet clear. Bugger.

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